In Jest

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY

HYMN: A song of praise usually played in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have left already.

INCENSE: Holy smoke

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant,and late parishioners looking for seats

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass, led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

PEW: (n.) A medieval torture device still found in most churches. Alternate definition: Expression commonly uttered when incense is used.

RELICS: People who have attended Mass for so long they actually know when to sit, stand and kneel.